I apologize for the lag with this blog. Life keeps happening. Let me pick up where I left off … Michael and I were both without cars and without much money. After weeks of botched phone calls to private sellers on Craigslist, Frank, Michael and I found a nice, 1990s, cherry red, Honda Civic. It was clean, it seemed to move well and we all felt good about the sale.
night we bought it, my roommates (Frank and Gary), Michael and I all
went to a local bar to celebrate. It was a good night. Things felt like
they were going to be ok. Gary still needed a job. Michael still needed a
car. That night, though, it was a celebration for us. Each of us,
though different in who we are and what brought us to the L-shaped front
house in Glendale, were all fighting to keep head and shoulders ahead
in the game.
Frank, a poker player and stand-up comic from New
York, was fighting the voices back home. They told him it was time to go
back East. Back to what is left of his family. They told him there is a
safe job somewhere for him to take, a comfortable chair behind a desk, a
drawer for a secret bottle of whiskey to numb the LA dreams that still
might tickle his ankle from time to time. Soon enough, he would be too
tired at the end of the day to worry about who he could have been, tired
from learning a new business, tired with a new wife he didn’t fall in
love with but settled for, and tired from the children that naturally
come in a man’s fight against mortality. Each day would come with enough
struggles to quiet the restlessness of dreams, and stifle the howl of
being different. He wouldn’t care anymore, not after a few years of a
sedate life settled in a New York suburb. At least he would stop
Tonight, he was still a single poker player with
nothing but a guitar, a daybed, and a coffee table he picked up off a
curbside a few blocks away. Each morning he got up, smoked a cigar and
worked on stripping and refinishing the table on the back porch, behind a
thin, bamboo wall.
an unemployed steward from Washington state, was running from a life of
fixed responsibility. Whether it was wrong or it was right, he left his
two daughters and long-time girlfriend in their small apartment on the
edge of Southern Washington without a word, taking only his record
player and his marijuana. He didn’t know what he wanted, but he knew
that growing old in Skamania County, polishing silverware and dodging
garbage duty for $10 an hour, while sleeping on the corner of a bed he
shared with a quiet partner wasn’t it.
That night was the happiest I had ever seen Gary. I was quizzing him on 80s music from my mini-laptop in the kitchen.
“Do you know this one?” I asked.
♫ ♪ “Seen a lot of sights,
Many crazy nights,
Cruising and boozing,
It's a wonder that I'm still alive.
Never wasted any time,
Never missed a beat,
No one needs to know, oh no..” ♫ ♪
“Scorpions,” he said.
“Very good. What about this one? If you get this I will be really impressed.”
♫ ♪ “You say you're from the city,
Where things move so fast,
Got your fancy cars and your diamond rings,
You don't need a love to last.
And that's alright,
I'm just a man, baby.
So take me home tonight,
Like you know that you should,
When you're ready to be bad,
Just give it- give it to me good …” ♫ ♪
a minute … I know this one,” he said, and paused with his
copper-skinned finger held up in the air as if to press the notes down
on air. “Trixter!”
“Right!” I said.
was Michael, my 23-year-old boyfriend who was swept under the traffic
of my crazy life without knowing what exactly hit him. His car was
totaled. His iPhone, with all his private dog-sitting contacts, was
lost. He left his job for his own pride and, in a way, mine. Everything
was turned upside down in his world and the only thing that remained
constant was our one month courtship. He knew if he was stepping into
the storm for me, he had to go all in or he would lose me. Michael had
my attention and he wasn’t going to let me out of his sight. I’ve never
really felt a man so determined for my companionship before. Doubly
impressive was how he was able to pull it off all the while looking
strong and steady. In his negotiation of what he wanted, he managed to avoid sounding needy.
left Milwaukee for Los Angeles to make it on his own as a film editor. When editing left
him miserable and defeated, he abandoned all and turned to animal sciences.
He could study that field anywhere. What kept him in LA was me.
then there was me. I also came to Los Angeles to study film when I was
in my early twenties. The film world also made me miserable, but it was a longer journey. Now, the thing that kept me in
Los Angeles was Los Angeles itself. There was no other city I knew
better. I had nowhere else to go. No one else to see. Nothing else to
do. L.A. was my final destination. Home.
the back alley of a dive bar, Michael led me in through the double
doors by the small of my back. A few strangers looked back at us
from the bar, worn down by minimum wage jobs, hard liquor and junk food.
Who was this fresh-faced kid with a big smile and a tall girlfriend?
Who did he think he was? “I’m Michael” he said, “And I am getting
whatever the young lady would like.”
“A vodka martini, dirty,” I
said, sitting down at the bar stool in front of Michael. Our faces were
finally level with each other. Our height difference might be the most striking oddity between Michael and myself, but people seemed to
resist accepting us as a couple even after a few affectionate kisses,
the arm around the shoulder, or a “babe” kicked across the bar. Those
early days of courtship, Michael was made to feel he had something to
Martinis turned to beer and it wasn’t long before the
karaoke was up and going. We each had a turn at our own rock n roll
manifesto. Louis’ was some kind of Southern rock ballad of the 70s.
Listening back on it now on crappy Droid video, I can’t decipher what
tune it was with the clinking of glasses, the screams from behind the
camera phone and the occasional howl in the microphone. Michael sang
“Alone” by Heart to me, which was hopelessly romantic. I completely
forget what Gary sang. I did “LA Woman”.
A common misconception
with people who read my blog and then later become an acquaintance is
that I can drink. I write about drinking, and write a lot about being
intoxicated. Readers fill in a blank and assume many drinks pass between
the first order and the staggering mess outside the bar walls. The
truth is not that many drinks pass at all. I think all in all that
night, I had about three drinks.
“I thought you were a serious
drinker. What the fuck is this?” Michael asked, laughing with a
cigarette held from his waist. We were chain smoking between the alley
wall and the doors of the bar, where we first entered. Bad karaoke music
echoed through the dive’s swinging mouth, like it was a bad ride at a
“I’m not a serious drinker. I am just a drunk,” I said.
“Jesus, you are a light weight. I had no idea,” he said.
“I know,” I hung my head low, “but I am a cheap date.”
“We need to have a talk before residency,” Michael said, suddenly changing the gears of conversation, “about Huck.”
was a student at writing school, a poet from Milwaukee, I fell for at
the head of last semester. I was immediately infatuated with him, we
carried on a week long flirtation before indulging in a three-day,
hotel-room, love affair. Michael followed the affair in my blog and knew
that when I returned to school in December, I would be reunited with
someone who made my blood boil. Though it was never said aloud, Huck
would be a threat, maybe his first threat as my new boyfriend.
“We don’t have to talk about Huck, because Huck is irrelevant,” I slurred.
“I think you know that’s not true,” he said.
doesn’t deserve 10 minutes of your time. He is a cock sucking asshole
and can drop off the face of the planet for all I care … FUCK HIM!” I
shouted in the back alley. The smokers were taken aback and quieted down
to listen in on our conversation.
“See, this is what I was concerned about. Obviously you still have some feelings towards him,” Michael said, calmly.
“Ha! Feelings of violence and disgust!” I said.
“... OK …” Michael said, “We have to talk about this.”
I shouted again, then I threw my keys at him. He turned his shoulder
and took it in the back. He laughed but managed an “ow” …
“I don’t want to talk about him, understand?”
“Ok, well, we will have to talk about him at some point,” Michael said.
truth is I had been having anxiety dreams about going back to school
for weeks. Though the coursework was a constant, we as a student body
only had to unite on campus once a semester for 10 days. We refer to it
as “Residency”. One student comes from Paris. Another from Florida.
Another from New York. So on and so forth. In my dreams, there was a
crunch to make it to a lecture or get to campus by limited means. The
first dream, Huck was in the distance but I felt him watching me. The
next dream, he was standing behind me though I ignored him. The last
dream, a night or two before buying my car and getting tanked at this
bar, he was an inch from my face, staring at me, refusing to let me turn
away. I never told Michael about the dreams. They were an aggravation.
“Let’s get married,” Michael said.
“You don’t want to marry me,” I said.
“Why not? Let’s do it,” he said, holding my hand and gently swinging it back and forth.
I turned to the worn, middle-aged woman smoking next to him. “You tell him why,” I said.
“It won’t last,” she croaked. “I was married once.”
“Yeah, what happened?” Michael asked.
“He left me for a younger woman. Asshole. Married for 20 years …”
“See?” I said, before severing the head off my cigarette and watching the orange glow cascade down the brick wall.
all piled into my new car (I dubbed “Cherry Bomb”) and drove back to
the Glendale front house. Frank and Gary retired to their rooms, while
Michael tried to wrangle me into the bedroom. I was so far gone..
“Go on, leave. You deserve a better girl than me,” I said.
“I don’t want another girl,” he said.
I threw my purse at him, and he took it in the back. “Ow” he said, then laughed. “Fuck you!” I said.
are hilarious right now,” Michael said. He was the first guy to really
understand that my fights are impromptu performances. They are small
wars born out of an emotional explosion so irrational, so ridiculous,
the only way I can approach them is through a caricature of myself. A
one-woman show in my living room with ridiculous wickedness,
over-the-top insults and outlandish accusations. “You tricked me into
falling in love with you so you could throw it back in my face!”
“Ha!” Michael said, “Now come to bed, baby.”
“You would like that wouldn’t you?”
“Um … yes, I would,” he said.
evening is a bit of a cold, murky fog for me. I really don’t remember
much of anything other than being cold and having sex … sex all night
the morning, it was Thanksgiving Day. I had pet visits from 7am to 10pm
that day, and for half the day, Michael accompanied me in the car so
the holiday wouldn’t be lost completely between us. Cherry Bomb streaked
the still air and empty streets of Glendale and Burbank with crimson
paint and classic rock. Michael sat in the passenger seat, silent at
“Do you remember anything about last night?” he asked.
“Not a lot, was it bad?” I asked.
“Well, do you remember throwing your keys at me?” he said.
“Then you threw your purse at me and tried to break up with me. Remember that?”
“Hmmm .. I must really like you,” I said.
“Then, when I got you to bed, you kind of fought me off like you wanted me to um … rape you or something.”
“Mmm hmm .. “ I said silently at first.
“Yeah, remember that?”
“No, but I believe you,” I said.
he stifled a laugh here, “I remember you pushing me away and saying,
‘No, you can’t have sex with me,’ and then you gave me this really big
wink. Like, it was really fake and bad. And I am like, ‘Oh kay. I mean,
come on, baby, I thought you were supposed to be an actress."
“So did you do it? ” I asked.
yeah, I mean if I had a choice to have sex with you and pretend to rape
you or not have sex with you and not rape you … I am going to have sex
with you and rape you. I’m not stupid,” he said.
“Yeah well … it is kind of a little fetish of mine. Sorry about that. It comes out sometimes.”
“No, it’s ok … its just … well, is that what you want?” he asked.
“Sometimes, I guess.”
“I don’t know that I can do that,” he said.
“Well, you did it last night,” I said.
… “ he said, taking out the replacement for his phone, a temperamental
spare iPhone I kept in my dresser drawer. He scrolled down the screen.
“All my friends are posting nice pictures of their Thanksgiving dinner
with their families and their food and I am driving around all day
talking about rape with my girlfriend.”
“Ha … well, I must really like you, that’s all I can say. Oh, what do you want for Christmas?” I asked.
“Not to rape my girlfriend,” he said.
“Really?” I was disappointed. I knew it wasn’t really in Michael’s nature but something about the possibility of it excited me.
“Yeah, really. I want to have nice sex with my willing girlfriend.”
whatever you want, baby.” I turned the steering wheel. Holidays are
nice in Los Angeles, it is the one time you can hear the birds singing.
“I want to weed that out of my mind anyway. I have been working on
reprogramming my mind for a few years now.”
“You don’t have to,” he said.
“No, I want to.”
was the life I wanted for myself. A kind, gentle man who took a healthy
approach to sex and love. A steady, clean car to take me from job to
job without problems. I was done with the drama. Done with the wild
nights, various sex partners, the unrequited love and nights sobbing
over cigarettes and wine. This was the straight life. This is what I
have been waiting for.
The next day the timing belt
flew off of my new, used car. I wasn't destined to be the straight
girl with the calm life, at least not yet. Dark clouds were still
hovering in my near future.