Friday, March 18, 2011

I'll Sleep With You for a Soy MeatBall

So I have been poor before.  Once, in Grad school I slept through an entire weekend because I couldn't afford food. That weekend ended when I got my student loan in Monday morning. Now . . . there is no loan coming in. There is just an old bag of rice, a can of beans and some vegetables and fruit a friend has delivered to my house every couple weeks.

I don't mean to complain. I am very lucky. But . . . when I visit friends' houses, I find myself salivating over their food. I remember what it was like to go grocery shopping or treat myself to Thai food. MMMMMM. . . Thai food.

It reminds me of Julie Andrews, in "Victor/Victoria", after fainting outside a restaurant from watching a fat man indulge in dinner, she trudges home where her landlord is barking at her about rent. She takes her finger, wipes pasta sauce off the front of his shirt and licks it. She says, "I'll sleep with you for a meatball."

I am really starting to appreciate that movie even more, if that's possible.

I was meeting with Lana later that day to help plan the final audio mix on our comedy pilot.

I texted her, "Can you spare a couple bucks to buy me a cup of coffee? I am dying. Might panhandle but I my competition looks far more pathetic."

Lana shows up, "Your competition is far more pathetic. There is a shadow puppeteer playing Johnie B Good."

I don't know how in the world I found Lana, but I love her more than she loves me. I wish I was a man so I could romance the hell out of her.

When I saw her, I collapsed into her arms for a hug and we walked.

We stared into store fronts with dressed mannequins and both sighed.

Me, "I am feeling great desire."

Lana, "As soon as I get any money, I am going clothing shopping. I am dying to go to Ross."

I said, "I know. I am considering going to a food bank so I can stock up on some food." The dogs were on rice, tuna and peanut butter for a while. I was worried they would be disappointed until I heard Maggie growl at Esther (who is deaf) for getting too close during breakfast.

When I finally got money, I got them their $55 bag of second tier, holistic brand dog food. Not THE BEST, but its up there. After driving it home and proudly pouring them two bowls of it, they both looked up at me disappointed. I guess nothing beats tuna peanut butter medley.

I asked Lana how the birth control was. She switched back to Yaz and missed one day to suffer through a whole new period 3 days after her "real" period ended.

She said, "Seriously, I started crying because I realized that Dan (her husband) might be buried in California with his family and I would be buried in Philadelphia with my family. I couldn't deal with it."

I said, "That's not the Yaz. I was checking out the plot next to Abe's grandfather's grave thinking I liked the view from up there."

She said, "But you have to be Jewish to be buried in Mt. Sinai (Los Angeles)."

I said, "You do?"

She laughed and said, "Yes!"

I said, "Goddammit. Can Christians ever get a break? I mean, all we got is Christ. And he's great but Jews have a much more likable religion."

She said, "I know. I was on a quest for a new church since I am always looking,. Last time I went to a Presbyterian church they gave me sour wine. So I went to my friends non-denominational church. They do testimonies there, so I was like, 'OK, can't wait to see what they testify.' This guy comes up and he is in his early 30s, and says, 'I would like to testify my strong belief in no sex before marriage.' So I give out a breathless laugh and start clapping slow, and then he keeps going. He says he has rules to keep from having sex with his girlfriend by never spending the night, never taking off their clothes and has his internet browsing history sent to his friends every week to keep him honest."

I said, "In case he looks at porn or something?"

She said, "YES!"

I just looked it up, its called 'HaveYourFriendsBeenThere'.

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Lana goes on and says, "So I have the breathless chuckle. I feel myself getting hot and the laugh is forcing its way up my throat. " She demonstrated. She should really be an actress. "And he keeps looking at me. I mean, he was looking RIGHT at me. I am two seconds from excusing myself so I can lose it outside when he says, 'I just wanted to say, this was my first time making eye contact with my testimony, so thank you."

I said, "Holy Shit."

Lana said, "So yeah, I mean, I grew up Presbyterian and we even said, just wrap it up and get an abortion. But this Church was still in denial. So . . . I am just sticking to Presbyterian."

Today, I was reminded of the last time I spoke to Abe's grandmother on the phone. She kept saying, "You are a lucky girl. A lucky, lucky girl. Listen to what Abe tells you."

I responded, "Well he has to listen to what I tell him too."

She said, "Sure."

that about?

A friend told me today that its cultural. The Jews champion their boys like Moses himself is walking into their kitchen. Well, he's not Moses and he needs to go walk the fucking desert, get some blisters on his lips and figure it out, you know?

I am walking through my desert and no one is throwing me a party for being me, stuffing $100 down my pocket, telling me how fucking fantastic I am. I am earning it. Does he realize he has to do the same thing?

The next week, I met Lana again. I really need to be around girls right now. And, you know you have a good friend when she scouts out a broken parking meter for you.

Lana, "Here's one! Pull up! Pull up!" I pulled up and popped an expired tags ticket on my windshield, just so they know I already got one somewhere else. I don't need another one in addition to the $170 late fee charge to the DMV.

We pooled together change for her meter and went to grab something to kill time before my audition and her next meeting. We landed in Panera Bread, which I still don't know how its pronounced.

Text from Abe, "Curious if we have patience to be nice to each other again?"


We ordered coffee and cinnamon bagels.

Me, "Ah!! Bagel, coffee and cigarette. (burrrrp)"

Lana, "You are rocking this depression."

My agent somehow got me two auditions for well paying commercials. One for Johnnie Walker and the other for a French Ice Cream commercial. I also submitted to a reality show pilot looking for women in a transitional phase willing to go to the Bahamas to "find themselves." There is no pay on that last job since its just a pilot, but they pay for your expenses and travel to vacation in the Bahamas. 

AND, I found us an audio editor. Thank F---ing Gawd!

Lana, "So, how are you going to handle the Abe situation?"

I said, "I'm not. To tell you the truth, I still think he is the one for me, but I just can't take it anymore. So I am never dating again. NEVER having sex again. Ever. Ever. . . EVER!"

Lana, "I think he is the one for you, too. Its just he has a lot of growing up to do and I think this time away from each other is really good. You are getting your career up and going and he can figure out his life so he can grow up. I see it working out."

My heart tickled.

I said, "I hope so. I just have to teach him some empathy. I don't like it. I don't take pleasure in ignoring his messages. It doesn't make me feel powerful or good."

Lana, "No, but you have to give him a taste of his own medicine. He has to learn."

Text from Abe: "How are ya doing?"


Johnnie Walker was a video submission audition where I would be the voice of a ghost watching her ex-boyfriend get on with college life without her. Bizarrely morbid.

Shooting and uploading was an ordeal, usually I ignore those video submissions but the pay was half my rent and through my agent. I do have to say, without a boyfriend you figure out a lot of things by yourself. Abe made me lazy.

After several hours of trying to upload my video to a share server, I uploaded it to Vimeo and used SaveVideo.Me to convert it to an MPEG-4 for my agent.

My French Ice Cream commercial was at 4pm, and I crammed my schedule too tight, as usual. I waited until 3:09 to get my headshots printed. As an American, I thought I should try to find a locally owned place and give them a chance.

I called the first place, who wanted to charge me $3.75 to access email. I asked how much to just email it directly to him. He said, "Same, $3.75." He had a thick Middle-Eastern accent and started talking over me. I couldn't hear what he said because I was trying to explain how simple of a task it was.

Finally, I said, "Kinko's doesn't do that. Thank you."

He hung up on me. He probably wanted me to come in with a burqa on too. Dick.

The second place didn't do headshot prints and referred me to another place 3 blocks down.

Text from Abe: "I am thinking about you every hour of every day."

I was in a rush and out of breath from running. The one guy there slowly came out. I explained what I needed, just two 8X11" glossy color prints. He slowly said, "Well . . . we charge $7 each to print headshots." I didn't say anything, I just laughed and left.

At that point, I drove 15 minutes north to get to the nearest Kinko's. I explained what I needed to the guy and he dropped everything to print them out for me. His Outlook froze and my iPhone froze (this always happens when I am stressed) so I went to the bathroom then printed out the resume and directions to the audition on their rent-by-the-minute computer.

Then, he let me log into Gmail through his computer and printed THREE glossy headshots for me for free. Kinko's. Saves my ass every time.

I got lost on my way to the audition, I just don't know North Hollywood all that well. So I called the studio, they told me everything was OK and to just head in. The requirement was that I had to eat an ice cream cone in a very short skirt. They were looking for a "young Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson." That is what? 14 yrs old?

My skirt was so short that it barely qualified as much more than a loin cloth. If I bent down, you could see the design on my Target panties and the bite mark from Old Man Max at Doggie Daycare (who nabbed me in the butt when I broke up a dog fight right next to him). I heart Max, though.

I came in and lied about my call time. I don't know if she noticed. Sigh. Is that the right thing to do? The other girls looked about as old as I did, so I wasn't terribly concerned. The Director kept smiling at me, and invited me in to eat my ice cream cone. I haven't had ice cream in 12 years. It was fucking delicious.

I did the bit; get out of a limo, fans start chanting my name (the director chanted my real name which made me genuinely smile) and then I posed while eating the ice cream cone. The director giggled and thanked me. I did my little post-audition jig which is incredibly cheesy and a terrible habit.

Then ran out to my next audition, also in North Hollywood. As I waited, I heard two actresses in the lobby talking, "And I had a stomach ache so I wasn't having sex with him. But I needed somebody to just be there for me and he said he didn't have time for someone else's problems right now. We are getting too serious."

Is every guy a total self-serving asshole? I mean, what the fuck happened to American Men? What a bunch of babies. And have you ever nursed a man through a stomach ache? Its like coaching a teenager through childbirth.

I went in for my audition, and the guy asked me to be natural, answer questions to him and not camera and rephrase questions with the answer in it. It was the same with "Baggage." For instance, "What's your name?" "My name is Star-Fire."

He asked how old I was and I said, "I am 33." He said, "Wow, you look younger." I put my hand up to my ear. "I hear that a lot."

He said, "Oh, we got someone with personality!"

I told him about how I lost my cat, boyfriend and job in 2009. Then in 2010, started acting, got a new cat and a new boyfriend. In 2011, I lost my cat and my boyfriend again. 

He asked if I was interested in dating. I said, "No . . . no. I am going to take it easy for a while." I closed my eyes and rubbed my tummy. I think I am getting an ulcer. I said, with my eyes still closed, "I really liked this one."

He asked me to talk a little bit about myself so I rambled some, "I used to work tooth and nail for 5 years. I wasn't happy, I was totally miserable. I thought, if I were to die tomorrow, that would suck. It would all be a waste. So, now, I work at a Doggie Daycare, I act, I am poor but happy everyday, and if I were to die tomorrow . . . I would be ok with that." 

He said, "That's a perfect place to end. It was a real pleasure meeting you." :-)

Then I ran over to Doggie Daycare to finish the shift I had someone else cover.

I came home wiped out.

Text from Abe, "I still care about you, love U and can recite more reasons why now."

Before, during our first clash of personalities, I told him I didn't think he liked me very much and asked him what in fact he did "like" about me.  He could only think of "independent" and that I "liked" him.

When logging on to Gchat he popped up immediately:
10:57 PM Abe: Intelligent, humorous, Sext social, unique, not a cali girl, into Abe, Understand Abe, Our numbers synch, you like animals and children, you like movies and art, you like outdoor activities and camping, You are a kindhearted and sensitive person, I trust you with my feelings, and i kinda like that you are sorta set in your ways already (meaning that you can change what you want to because you already know yourself better than I know myself)
10:58 PM I feel like my heart is going to explode today
  Super tense day
  so edgyAbe: I miss you(Audience: I am not heartless.)
 me: I miss you tooAbe: um
11:13 PM I realized that I was being hypocritical
  or hyper hypocritical
  because I did those things to you---
  Im critical of your character and lifestyle
11:15 PM and then I get mad when you give those things back
  and its not right for me to fail to realize--that I do those things
11:16 PM thats probably the only reason It stands out to me when you get me back
  I just dont understand how I could not realize that i do that shit to you
 me: I know all these things
  I am sad that the lesson came now
  thats all
11:21 PM Abe: honestly
  I think will get along very well
11:22 PM I can see us being a happy couple
  I'm just young and its harder to wrap my brain around Forever
  ya know?
11:23 PM me: I don't know what to say Abe
  it would be stupid for me to get back together with you
  even though I miss you
  and I want that future
  I had to learn my lesson too1:27 PM me: I think in the future you will have the confidence you need
  to be an amazing man
  and I am excited to see him
11:28 PM Abe: yah? dont hold your breath, its lookin pretty far off from now like I am now
  Im hardly amazing
 me: well thats up to you
  you are amazing
11:29 PM but you have made some very sore decisions
  how rapidly you establish yourself and become the man you want to be
  the sooner I could come back to you

Abe: i want to figure out how to make things better between us
  Im kinda smart
  I think I can do it
11:45 PM me: you are very smart
 Abe: i want to
 me: if I knew that you would never react so violently/harshly/cruelly to little things
  I would come back in a minute
11:46 PM but you have created a pattern
  and one week won't break it
  as much as I want it to
 Abe: I knowAbe: ok
  And--I like your dogs
  I really do
  there a little uncleanly--but they are dogs
11:52 PM Abe: ok
  nighty night
  dream of grown up Abe a bit for me   

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