Matt and his girlfriend were booked on it as well, so we all lined up outside Red Studios at 8am on a frickin' COLD Los Angeles morning.
I made it a point to smoke a lot of pot before getting out of my car. I arrived with a hard cover book in my hand.
The black actor from the Bank of America commercial (who felt that God wanted him to fuck blond white girls) (http://soibecameanactress.blogspot.com/2010/08/fedora.html) was there.
He bent down to see the cover of my book and read slowly, "The Help . . . I'll give you some help."
I said, "I think your ancestors already did."
He said, "Damn, and I was the one trying to be funny."
I said, "Well, thanks for the Jazz music."
He said, "You're welcome. And the rock . . ."
I said, "Please, Elvis Presley is the King of Rock n' Roll. You can have Little Richard."
He said, "No thanks. Chuck Berry is actually the first king of rock n' roll."
I said, "Well . . . and Buddy Holly."
He said, "Hey, you and Matt are the only people I recognize here. This job is all new faces."
I said, "I know, its kind of sad isn't it? Like everyone else went on with their lives or something."
He said, "I know!"
I asked, "What's your name again?"
He said, "Poe Tee. (pause) Pete. (pause) Petey."
The show, I believe, will be a series of home video clips of kids being adorable. The bulk of what was shot in front of this 30 person audience was just Heidi Klum doing intros to the videos, and "throws" before a commercial break. This was the painful part, and thank God I was stoned for this, Heidi was not dictating her lines off the teleprompter correctly.
She had mentioned a few times that she hadn't eaten food in 10 days. Someone would bring her what she called her "sludge" on set to her. She was doing the master cleanse; basically a drink made of lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper (for protein). What a fucking joke. She was drinking it like that Nalgene bottle was her mother's tit.
She wasn't distractingly bad at first, but the director was being very hard on her. He would cut her off, correct her, and often say, "You are taking years off my life, Heidi. You are making me drool but taking years off my life." Is that a compliment?
Matt said, "He kind of reminds me of Alec Baldwin."
I said, "Yeah . . . an Armenian Alec Baldwin."
Matt said, "Someone needs to get Heidi some food. If you don't eat food, your vision and memory goes."
Matt's girlfriend mentioned she saw Heidi poking at her stomach between takes like she was reminding herself of some imaginary puff.
Let me say this, Heidi Klum is one of the most beautiful and skinny women I have ever seen in my entire life. AND kind.
I said, "There is no more weight for her to lose!"
Matt's girlfriend said, "When you are used to being really skinny, any weight gain feels a lot more noticeable than it is. She probably indulged herself on the holidays and is now trying to get back to the size from her hay day."'
The more the director cut into her, the more she started fucking up. At one point, I could see tears brimming in her eyes just before they stopped for a 5 minute crew break, which I suspect was more like a 15 minute "Pull it together, Heidi" break.
When we came back, a child came on to sing opera. It was kind of a miserable experience. She was off time, a little off pitch and the performance felt endless.
I said to Poe Tee, "I was promised seriously funny kids."
Poe Tee said, "She will be good . . . in 5 years."
I said, "I have seen better child opera singers."
We are a bunch of snobs, aren't we?
The AD said, "Ok, back to one."
The guy next to me said, "Oh geez . . . I thought this was going to be a pick-up. Now we have to suffer through the whole thing all over again?"
We got back to Heidi's intros and outros after that.
Heidi, "Send us your videos and we will share them for everyone to see."
Director, "Send us your videos and we will share it with everyone. Go!"
Heidi, "Send us your videos and we will share them for everyone to see."
Director, "We will share it with everyone. Go!"'
Heidi, "The teleprompter says for everyone to see.
Director, "We're changing it."
Heidi, "I am just saying what I am reading."
Director, "No. Go."
At one point, Heidi found three different inventive ways to flip off the director on camera.
Heidi, "What happens when our hidden camera catches this 7 yr-old chess monster."
Director, "Chess master!"
Heidi, "When we catch this chess monster."
Instead of letting her get through the clips, eventually he would just shout "Next!" in the middle of her take. He was throwing them away. Heidi got more robotic. They were sabotaging this already very bad, Lifetime show.
At a certain point she motioned to the director and said, "Someone over there wants to have a conversation with me but I can't hear him. Someone wants to sit on this couch and do this show with me."
Poe Tee said, "Gesus, this is the most passive aggressive conversation I have ever heard."
Next set of intros:
Heidi, "What is the secret ingredient to magic cupcakes? Attitude."
Heidi, "Ingrediant, ingrediant, ingrediant, ingrediant!"
Heidi, "What makes dinosaurs interesting-"
Director, "They are not just interesting they are also extinct. Thats your line. Go!"
Heidi, "I can't see the prompter from all the way over there. I am also used to it being in front of the camera, not above it."
Director, "You're fine. Come one! We have 23 episodes we have to shoot in 3 days. Let's go! More cayenne pepper!"
Yeah, more cayenne pepper. Jesus Christ.
Heidi, "I can't see it!"
I looked to the man sitting next to me and said, "This is the type of show that will go on for years."
He laughed but the guy behind me said, "This isn't worth the $8 an hour."
I said, "You are sitting down and being entertained for cash. How is this not the easiest job in the world?"
He said, "I would rather be digging a ditch."
Heidi, "Now this joke comes from Lance in Orlahndo, Florida."
Heidi, "I said Orlahndo."
Director, "It doesn't sound like Orlando. Listen to me- O R L A N D O!!"
Heidi, "Orlando. Orlando."
Director, "Ok, I forgot to tell you the kid moved to Jacksonville last week. Change it to Jacksonville. We forgot to change it on the prompter."
Heidi, "I don't believe you."
Director, "Kid lives in Jacksonville now, go!"
An older black man two people away said, "This is what you get. Now they know. Get an ugly host that can read."
Me, "Plenty of beautiful women read. Natalie Portman graduated from Harvard."
Old Black Man, "Aw, shit! I hate Harvard. I'm from Princeton. And look where it brought me ... (motions to the television studio) hell."
Heidi, "This joke comes from Sarah in Baltimore, Merryland."
Director, "Aw, Jesus! Washington, DC. GO!"
That went on for a long time. Often she would say, "But its not funny." And the director would say, "It is funny if you read it right."
Fact: Heidi Klum's first language is not English
Fact: Humor is often very culturally based
Fact: You need FOOD to FUNCTION
She was in the far corner, running the lines off the prompter to herself when an overweight crew dude with a curly Jew-fro and pasty , white skin said, "You look gorgeous, by the way."
Heidi was repeating her lines, trying to get them right.
Fat Guy, "YOU'RE WELCOME! Geez!!"
HEY, one loser fat guy nursing a Big Gulp behind camera offers a compliment to a supermodel and its supposed to be the shot heard around the world? Gesus man, she is trying to get her lines right! BACK OFF!"
Everyone was on her.
Towards the end, she was doing a little role play with the kids where she pretended to be a patient and the children were the therapist. Kind of a brilliant idea for getting cute "kidisms" with regards to adult problems. She complained of never having time to spend with her children, working all the time, how to keep her husband engaged, feeling unattractive . . . I do believe those were all very real things she was saying to these kids.
She started nodding off and pretending to fall asleep. I believe she really needed sleep.
How does this woman who has everything I want, a husband, four kids, a career, a flawless body and face . . . how does she not get the gold pot we are all fighting for? What are we here for; paying high rent, starving ourselves, obsessing over laugh lines and fertility, searching for a man we can love and develop and identity with, fighting to be searched on Google- what are we doing it all for? To have some overweight-director-nobody cut us down in front of 50 people?
Fuck. Is this what we are fighting for?