Sunday, September 19, 2010

Romantic Sabotage by Yours Truly

I am in a bit of a fog at the moment. I have projects in various stages of development and relationships in various stages of decay. I met with Lana today in Hollywood to develop a plan of attack for the audio mix on the pilot.

We stopped in on a little bar on Sunset called THE BOWERY which was very cool. It was just a long room with a beer and wine list on a chalkboard. Trendy but empty, which I like. We each got a drink and drew up a to-do list before going outside so Lana could smoke.

We sat on a ledge next to a tall guy wearing sunglasses that looked like the special prize in a box of raisin bran from 1989. Across from him were two other guys- all three of them were wearing white t-shirts and jeans.

Dimitry kind of gracefully asserted himself into our conversation, mentioning that he was in movies and could look at our project. Lana asked what he did, and he said he was the DP and co-producer of the JACKASS movies. He also said they just finished JACKASS 3-D.

I said, "Oh yeah, I got the casting call for a girl to pop her zit in 3-D for that movie."

Dimitry, "Yeah, we never got that."

I said, "If you give me some time, I can work something up for you."

Dimitry, "No, no . . . we're picture locked."

Lana asked how it was shooting 3-D and he said, "I don't remember a God damn thing. I still don't know what happened. There were so many people, I was like, 'Don't got to do shit? Good."

We exchanged numbers, he showed me the screen saver on his cell phone.

Dimitry, "See . . . those are dicks." They were cartoon dicks. At first glance, I thought it was Good & Plenty (the candy).

I said, "I see. Do you like dicks?"

Dimitry, "No. I mean, yes. You know."

He was drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the can and introduced me to the guy across from him, a shorter guy with good energy. Apparently, he has a skateboarding show on Fuse.

Dimitry mentioned he was a Russian Jew, and I said, "Happy Yom Kippur" He raised his can of beer to me.

I said, "Are you atoning?"

Dimitry, "For what?"

I said, "Your sins . . . the trials of your people. They are the chosen people."

Lana, "Of Hollywood."

Ha. Ha.

Dimitry, "I am going to yoga for the first time, does that count? That reminds me, I need to get a mat at Bed, Bath & Beyond."

Lana, "Don't they have mats at the gym?"

Dimitry, "That shit is absorbent. Fucking disgusting. Someone's piss all over it."

Lana, "Just their sweat, is that what you mean?"

Dimitry, "Yeah, their piss."

That was my Hollywood conversation for the week.


So, for whatever reason, Cupid has been tail gating me all week and there has been some romantic confusion.

Three men have presented themselves to me as interested suitors. I feel a little dazed by it all. The first gentleman is a guy I dated over a year ago for a couple weeks. I call him the Comic.

The Comic and I met during the Cancer Year when I was working for two emotional terrorists and lived with Not for Profit who was slowly becoming an alcoholic wife beater. This was about the time I started taking a stand-up comedy class.

I went to a few open mics and met the Comic, who approached me after my very first time on stage. He seemed nice and I thought he was funny. So we dated for a couple weeks.

The Comic made three fatal errors. The first was when we were kissing on my bed and he insisted on going on and on about how pretty I was. Now, I am ok. I am cute in a European, Girl Next Door with some quirk kind of way. I am no bombshell and can never book jobs for "hot" girls.

I asked him to tell me something else about me he liked.


I said, "You liked my stand up performance, right? So you could say funny."

Comic, "I have very high standards for funny."

Now, no one is socially retarded enough not to think of nice as a generic compliment. I believed at the time, and still believe, that he was holding a validation card over my head to gain leverage.

The second red flag I ** just remembered. When I took him out to meet Lana for the first time, we sat in a cocktail bar where, under the table, his hand quickly migrated to my crotch. Despite trying to subtly discourage him, he persisted. No bueno.

The third red flag was when I took him to Lana's pre-engagement party and he hit on another girl at the party.

Last weekend, Em and I were saying that men must think they are so desired, that women never tell each other about being approached. Actually, we only wait as long as it takes for him to go to the bathroom. When The Comic sends a Facebook friend request or email to any woman I know, I find out immediately. That's how we operate.

It was no big deal, we only saw each other for a few weeks and I was trying to strategize my way out of my own life. My dating life was not a priority.

The rest of the year, The Comic continued to text, write and call. I ignored him for the most part. After Abe and I broke up, I started talking to Comic a little bit. He wrote this long letter apologizing, it was thought out enough that I responded. Then, I answered a text, then a phone call then agreed to meet for coffee. So we are now kinda friends I suppose.

Last week, he donated his old iPhone to me since mine was stolen. I could not restore his phone with my laptop, since I get an error that the phone is corrupted. My laptop has issues. I can not erase all of his files- so I worked on his memos, text messages, contacts . . . manually deleting and replacing with my own.

When I opened Safari, a page popped up:

eHow: How to Seduce ANY woman into bed

It starts with:

"This is a quick guide on how to SEDUCE women and win the "game" EVERY TIME - and how to make them LOVE YOU for it."

1) Before you start attempting any seductions, you need to get in the right MINDSET. And here it is in brief. DON'T be a "nice guy". I don't care what the media is feeding the public these days, the fact is women DON'T like "nice guys". In fact, all the things we men think are "nice" - buying her drinks, gifts, dinners; complimenting her OVER and OVER every minute; asking her "interview"-style questions; talking only about boring "safe" non-sexual topics... all of these things FAIL to attract women. In fact, if you do these things, women will only see you as either (a) an asexual FRIEND and nothing more (i.e. a girlfriend with a pecker) or (b) a creepy, needy perv who sucks up to her and is only being "nice" to try to get her into bed. Being "nice" and effeminate and needy only leads to REJECTION.

~I almost feel like my own narrative isn't really necessary, but here we go. Any man who bookmarks this page is by DEFAULT a creepy, needy perv.

Let's break this down by where I see consistencies with his approach towards me and this poorly written article:

ATTRACTION: have fun with this. Tease her, tell an interesting SHORT story about a recent experience, and find out about her interests (AVOID subjects like work, school, etc. unless you can USE them as part of a quick story or tease). Teasing a girl shows you're a fun guy who's not afraid of losing her. It SUBTLY shows that you are an Alpha Male with LOTS of options. See her open up. She will begin enjoying your company if you flirt the RIGHT way. And this includes light touching (on the arm or shoulder). You MUST touch her gradually to get her interested. Women respond to touch and it is VERY important for them, but not too suddenly at first.

~The Comic teases. In conversation, he talks very fast and is usually running some kind of inner monologue aloud. I am not sure if he assumes people around him are slower than his sense of humor, but I believe most of us don't fully understand what he says or what the reference is. He is then quick to cut out and segue. He is always on, as they say.

GET THE NUMBER. Within a few minutes, if she looks busy, you act busy too - say "hey I gotta bounce now but you seem pretty fun/cool. I'd love to continue this sometime." Or something along those lines. Don't sound "iffy" or unsure. Then hold your cell phone forward, pointing at the center of her chest (this is a SECRET trick that triggers her reflex to take the object) and say "punch in your 10 digits" or something similar to that. Word it your OWN WAY, so it's unique.

The main point here is you don't ASK if you can have the number - you just TELL her to put it in your cell phone as if you're already going to get it anyway. A guy who does it like this, looks like he's already used to getting LOTS of number from girls.

If she doesn't offer her number, just say: "here, type it in and I'll give you a call". Then say "see ya later" and go.

~The Comic totally had me punch my number into his phone.

10) The Day 2: here you continue rapport and comfort building, while still sparking attraction from time to time.

* Keep touching her periodically. Escalate (make the touching more intense gradually) Touch her arm, hand, HAIR (a big turn on), and shoulders. Also the back of her hips (ABOVE the buttocks, not on them) is a very sensitive area.

~The Comic is always touching me . . . first with my knee, then my leg, around my shoulder. UGH! Its frustrating because he will move next to me and I will know immediately where its going. I prefer to avoid humiliating people when they make fools of themselves.

So, when his hand lands on my knee,I get a little distracted but ignore it and try to budge my body away. When his hand moves up, I ask him, "Why is your hand there?" He acts surprised with my reaction, lifts his hands off of me. Time passes and repeat.

You might ask, "Why would you ever hang out with someone who repeatedly touches you when he knows its unwanted?" In my mind, I want to prove that I can handle guys like Comic. Two things combined: I appreciate that he has a good sense of humor and might be his friend if I was a dude. Also, I refuse to let him make me uncomfortable.

(For some reason men think women HAVE to be their friend if they are nice to them. We don't HAVE to play by any rules you don't play by. Nice is not enough.)

* Tease her occasionally to let her know you are STILL not sold, and she still has to prove herself to YOU.

~The Comic recently said that the television did me no justice when I was on BAGGAGE. "You are much prettier in person." Now . . . that isn't a compliment.

But I think, I can call a spade a spade and move on.

* At some point you KISS HER. When you've already touched the ears, hair, neck, and possibly cheeks, start with smelling her neck and tell her it smells good. Then kiss her ears.

~Smelling someone's neck before kissing them is creepy.

* Within 5 minutes you should be kissing her on the LIPS. If she resists, go back to kissing her where she was comfortable (neck or ears). Do more kino (touching), then STOP for a while. Then do it again soon after. This is called "fractionation" or "push-pull". You take away those good feelings of touch for a while, then start giving them again. This builds up a woman's BUYING TEMPERATURE (i.e. her desire to "buy the goods" so to speak). Seduction is always a "soft sell", but it's done hands on without fear or shyness.

~It doesn't feel good. It reminds very specifically like being in the community pool when I was 13 and feeling my friend's stepfather swim between my legs, put his head in my crotch and thrust me out of the water. Freak.

* If she keeps resisting the kiss, don't push it. She's probably overwhelmed at this point. Keep fractionating (hot, cold, hot, cold) and she will eventually come around.

~Overwhelmed or disgusted?

*You should already be running this whole process on several women, have 3 or 4 in the rotation so that if one flakes or goes cold on you DESPITE your best efforts at fractionation, you still have (This isn't a typo on my part- the sentence actually stops here like this)

~OK . . . The Comic and I really never got very far sexually, which is part of the reason I think he is still in hot pursuit. If I never have intercourse with someone I dated, they will ping me for YEARS afterward, desperate to reconnect.

*You don't have to eat her out. Some girls don't like it, and most don't expect a guy to do it the first time. If she insists (which is rare) do whatever you're comfortable with. Don't EVER let a woman bully you. If you don't like to eat girls out, say so. She'll respect you more for it. But they almost NEVER demand it. Finger them at least though.

~Um . . . any girl that doesn't like it, hasn't had it performed correctly. And fingering is usually unpleasant. Men act like they should thrash about like they are trying to hit all sides of your canal as fast as possible. Ding! Ding! Ding! We aren't a cow bell! Unless their finger is on my clit or they are able to pull off a move like Abe's snow cone . . . it's a pass.

~A girl bullying a guy to perform oral . . . hahahahahaha. Fuck you!

* Get her totally naked, if she isn't already naked at this point.

* Let her give you a handjob. Then this will normally entice her to escalate to oral. Have her do oral on you. Most girls are okay with this, a few are hesitant. Enjoy whatever she's comfortable giving, even now, don't be pushy - there are lots of other girls, and now would be a BAD time to get whiny and scare her off. Pleasure her at the same time. Wipe your hands periodically. Wash your hands before the next step. They will be WET.

~HAND JOBS enticing a woman to BLOW you . . .hahahahahaHAHAHAHA! When will guys figure out that we are doing them a favor. I already have carpal tunnel, throw in an involuntary jaw click and then search my face for a smile.

Slip on the condom, and insert slowly. She will enjoy a slow initial entry more than a rapid one. Then pump her, alternate between fast and slow. Try a few different positions. Missionary, doggy style, and sideways are best for beginners. Don't attempt anal the first time, and certainly NOT without her knowledge. It will be painful and she may scream rape.

~If you need the above paragraph to guide you through intercourse- God did not intend for you to procreate. And last time I checked, if you stick your dick in someone's ass without their knowledge, it IS rape. Morons.

*As you sex her, touch other parts of her with your hands - arms, belly, breasts, all is fair game. She is you canvas, you are the artist. Kiss her while you're having sex, and especially French-kiss. If you can get her to turn her head and French kiss while you're taking he doggy style and bending over her, you're already a master. If you can do all this while fondling her boobs, you're a natural.

Make the experience exciting but also smooth and pleasurable. If you have the stamina, make her orgasm before you do. She will appreciate it a million times more than any gift or dinner. And she will definitely reciprocate and be ready for more in a few seconds.

If you are having trouble with seduction, or the steps don't make sense send me a private message and I may be able to answer you questions.

Now, the Comic had given me this wonderful iPhone. It doesn't ring or make sound, but it is an iPhone and for that I am grateful. However, the phone came with another night of discussion about why I won't date him. It's just so exhausting.

I almost think it is a way to wear me down, so I give in just because I am tired of saying no. But then wouldn't I just be too tired to even answer his calls? It is a mystery to me.

This whole confrontation came less than an hour from another conversation with a male friend who wants to take our relationship to the next step. There is no reason for me not to date him, he is nice, supportive, a great friend, funny-


Cue . . . Abe. I text him. I tell him I am going on a date with someone via text.

There is no answer and I feel like a total asshole. So I send a pic of myself.

No answer. Now I feel like a pathetic asshole.

I text him that it hurts he isn't responding.

He answers. "What about yr date?"

Me: "I was hoping you would talk me out of it."

Abe: "LOL, Im not supposed to talk U out of. Im a guy."

Me: "Yes you are. If you want me."

Abe: "I would like it if you surprise came over with pot, cookies and wild tales of acting."

Me: "Maybe I will."

I did. Of course, there was the ho hum negotiation of time and place. I asked he drive here as a gesture, but he had to atone for his sins in San Clemente the next day, so it made sense that I meet him before he drove further south.

I showed up and he was asleep. Mother fucker.

The neighbors across the way were smoking, drinking and talking amongst themselves. The boy said, "I can't believe you slept with that guy."

Girl, "I know."

Boy, "Disgusting."

I text. Call. Call again.

Boy, "I was tested like 4 months ago, so I know I'm clean."

The door opened. I said, "Is Abe there?"

"I am Abe."

Me, "Let me in."

I walked in and set down everything on his desk. He followed me in and turned on the light.

Abe: "Let me look at you." He stopped me, then held my face in his hands and smiled.

I was chatty. He was nervous.

I thought, "The chemistry might not still be there."

He kissed me. The chemistry was still there. God, what IS that tingling and flutter?

Then I thought, sexual chemistry doesn't mean we are a match otherwise.

Conversation chased the nerves. He said, "I noticed that I cuss like my father. He cuts himself off, like 'God Dam-' or 'Go to-' 'Assh-'

I laughed hard. I confessed to him thoughts I was having about my career, about my family. He asked if I kissed anyone else and I turned my head and closed my smile. He groaned.

He asked me about the guy I was going on a date with and grew closer to my face.

Little things he did, like jolting up suddenly to take off his sweatshirt in one swift move. So quirky. I love that, whatever it is. How can he feel familiar?

I had psyched myself into saying I was only visiting him for closure. As soon as he touched me, I knew that I wouldn't have the heart to do that.

We stayed up all night.

The next morning when he walked me to my car- he leaned in to kiss me. We both had sunglasses on so they clinked when he reached in for my lips. Then, he lifted up both our sunglasses at the same time so we could see each other's eyes during the kiss. He has these big blue eyes, they started wide then narrowed into a grin. Something about that moment feels precious.

So I came back home and realized I just sabotaged myself and my date. I napped, I thought, I cleaned and thought some more.

Abe called last night to tell me how he felt. Writing the words he spoke here seems unfair because the words alone are clunky. It wasn't the words that won me back. It was listening to him pace back and forth on his cell phone, outside a donut shop in the middle of the night, telling me how he felt for the first time.

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